Fire trucks rule, girls drool.

Shooting 2 & 4 year olds birthdays isn't really my forte, but it was boys only and they had a fire truck...how could I say no?

Insecure Identity = Question Dodging.

Every time I meet somebody new, I struggle instensely within as it relates to my identity, as it never fails - the following question will arise:

"So, what do you do?"

I get it. Most people are trying to engage in smalltalk, and are trying to find some common ground to connect on - which I find no qualms with. I do believe however, that to most, that question is really just a rewording of "What is your job?" and thus, the majority of responses look like this: "I'm a _______."

Can I just be honest for a moment though? I loathe that question.

For those of you that don't know - I am not a full-time creative. I work from 8 - 5 in a cubicle, with slacks and a tucked-in ironed shirt where I have to shave on a semi-regular basis and even occasionally answer the phone with a generic greeting. Technically my title is 'Marketing Director' but let's be honest, I only direct myself and I answer to my bosses - so it sounds flashier than it really is. Last but not least, as soon as I say '...for a private financial planning company' I'm in most cases immediately off any person's radar as a creative.

There's this lathargic part of me that occasionally just wants to give in to the status quo and say "Oh, I'm the Marketing Director for a private financial planning company" and continue on with the conversation. There's also the part of me that sometimes blurts out "I'm a photographer" and I then engage my 'one-day-I-will-be' brain (yes, I do plan on pursuing the depths of full-time creative in the future). Really though, neither of those are truth - and therein lays my struggle.

See, this post was spurred on by two quotes really, the first of which I have written on a yellow sticky stuck up in my cube (sorry, I forgot the reference):

The other quote I came across while reading an article on PDN's website called 'How To Quit Assisting and Be a Photographer' was this:

"There have been times when, if I'd had a back-up plan, I might have taken it. But I never had a back-up plan. I'd rather be a poor photographer than someone making a lot of money at a

9 to 5 job."

If only I could...then I could...and it would be...

Sigh.

We all have our own complexities and longings in life, and my tension resides here. One (very large) part of me wants so badly to leave my secure and blessed job to pursue the life I believe I'm (eventually) called to live out - the life of a creative. Then of course, there is that (for now) more responsible and sane side of me that wakes up and irons every morning, keeps my beard in check, and plops down into my cubicle - keeping 'my hand to the plow' as I like to call it.

Here's the thing - far from settling, I think I'm actually beginning to be ok with where I am. Not that I don't have these intense longings and get completely frustrated sometimes, but it's more of a 'Hey, I am where I am, and everything is going to play itself out just fine if I just practice some patience and stay diligent.'

So, next time our paths cross, forgive me if I ignore the status quo, and just feel the need for some authentic dialogue:

You: "So, what do you do?"

Me: "You know, that's a great question. Actually - what I do is I wake up every morning and try to love and serve my family the best way I know how right now. I shower, (occassionally) shave, I iron my shirt - and I go to work in a cubicle so that I can pay our bills and put food on the table. I also am constantly in touch with my visionary and creative side - the one that longs to create and capture stories all day long and help build the artistic bridge between despair and hope. Most importantly, I try my best to not let any of that define me, because tomorrow it may all change, and all I'm really trying to do is learn how to just love people...people like you."

Thanks so much for asking.